I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
