Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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