Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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