Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
