I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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