I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
