i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
