Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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