I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
