Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I could have mohawked her pubes.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
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