I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
