I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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