i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
