I wanna bring you to show and tell
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
