I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
home. puking in laundry basket.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Randomize
