she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
