I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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