I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
