I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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