Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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