Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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