Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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