Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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