Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
