So drunk its hurt
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
