you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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