Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
