You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
