If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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