Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
