Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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