I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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