In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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