I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
