I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
