life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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