Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
