I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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