God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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