who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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