Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
