the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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