After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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