My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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