That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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