I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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