Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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