it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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