he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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