Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
