the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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