Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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