Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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