well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
