Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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