I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
