My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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